An Heart Issue

"It's not your attitude, it's your heart!"

This was the phrase that I uttered on my way back to work one day. As soon as I said it, I knew exactly what it meant and what area of my life it was referring to. 

A few months ago, before I graduated from ULL's master's program in communications, I started to feel so discouraged with life – the fire had definitely burned out. I was thrilled about wrapping up my thesis and starting the next chapter in my life which I thought meant to be able to focus more at home and at my job. Little did I know, something was happening, spiritually, that I didn't realize. 

Since I started at my job, in the fall of 2015, I juggled being a full-time project manager, a student, a teacher assistant, an organization leader, a mom, a worship leader, and a wife  – never being able to devote my time to one persona. My brain couldn't compartmentalize any longer, because every persona comes new tasks, roles, and responsibilities. If I had to be honest, I could feel myself slipping – I felt stressed, and overwhelmed all the time. I knew I wasn't doing anything well.

Close to graduation, in the spring of 2018, I realized that I needed to reach out to the `Most High. I knew that I needed to reevaluate things so, I  started to pray on my way into work and all throughout the day. I was asking Him to guide my every step, point me in the right direction, and light the fire in my heart again. I soon realized that I wasn't on fire for Him; I wasn't reading His Word or spending adequate time with him. Now, I know that he can't speak to you when you are away from Him and His Word.

Without His Word being written in your heart, there is no way he can speak – He truly has nothing to work with. 

One Sunday in March, my husband, kids, and I went to church and I felt it in my soul to ask someone to pray with me. Looking back, I know now that it was His Ruach (the Holy Spirit) nudging me to do so. I would never forget it because so much has been being revealed to me and I refuse to sit by and let it pass me by. 

For starters, my family and I realized that there was more to us that met the eye and that we needed to do our best to keep Yahuah's laws, statutes, and commandments. I quickly realized that Elohim (Lord Almighty) takes delight in those who value obedience over preference. In doing so, He promises to give you the desires of your heart (Psalms 37:4). About three months ago we decided to "Remember the Sabbath Day and Keep it Holy" (Exodus 20:8). We quickly started to feel things move and, I'd admit, the transition was not as smooth as I thought it would be. I knew that when you decided to surrender all to Him that things just didn't magically fall into place – we definitely felt all the growing pain.

He is slowly revealing Himself to me. In order for Him to do this, He must also reveal the "not so good" parts of me. Yahuah cannot dwell in a place of sin. So, in order to receive all of Him (in Heaven), one must work on being the best version of oneself, here on earth. It's a continuous cycle of reminding yourself that you are not worthy of His love, grace, and mercy – even still He gives it to you and continuously asking Him for forgiveness for the sins that you know about and the sin you don't know about. In doing so, He will begin to reveal those unknown sins to you – to grow you.

To say the least, this has been a process for me. Even when He revealed this piece of information to me, I doubted that I had anything I needed to ask for forgiveness about or acknowledged that I struggled with something. I felt as though I was ready if He came back today or tomorrow, only to realize that I am NOT and that I have so much work to do. 

Today, he revealed to me that I have a FAITH problem. I say with my lips "I trust him" yet my actions say that I doubt him. I say with my lips "His will be done" yet I question everything. When I tried to explain what he had revealed to me today to my parents, they both said that I was being too hard on myself and that having a back-up is being prudent. Wouldn't that mean that on some level there is an inkling of doubt?

The Hebrew word for faith is "emunah" (אֱמוּנָה). It means to be secure, solidly fixed in place, to stand firm in the sense of a support, and not subject to change or revision. So... if you are secure, standing firm in something how could there be an instance of doubt? You cannot be double-minded, right?

For me, it's the phrase "just in case".

I've been working on something major, but I heard Him tell me to BE STILL. I need to be patient. While waiting, I've been seeking other opportunities "just in case".  But why? If I trusted Him and was secure in the things He has promised me, there shouldn't be any other opportunity worthy of my time. There shouldn't be a "just in case". He is ALMIGHTY. He is ALL KNOWING. He created me, my purpose, and all that is around me. If I truly believe this, then I must believe that He has everything all figured out. I just need to have FAITH. I just need to stand FIRM. I just need to be SECURE. Be still and know that he is Elohim.